Gabriel sees Uriel post-Fall

[cattygabriel]

Gone was the angel who walked barefoot around the Manor library in jeans and T-shirts with a smile for his cats and anyone walking in; the being pacing Lucifer's foyer now was every inch a cold, furious Archangel.

In the Manor chapel, Gabriel had paused long enough to send notes to Michael and Raphael explaining what had happened - they might have sensed it, have already known, but Uriel was their brother too and Gabriel should at least let them know - and another to Mary Hodges, saying he'd be away for a while due to a family emergency and requesting that she keep an eye on the cats. Outside, the rain turned to unseasonable hail.

Gabriel had called his sword and horn to him and hung them on the belt of now ornate robes, his wings unfurling behind him, lit by the glow of his own aura; he normally disliked reminding people of his rank, but his younger brother was in Hell and he wanted to remind any demon trying to stop him that he was not in the mood to be stopped and cross-examined.

And it had not worked. All Gabriel wanted was to find Uriel and Belial, but he had been met by enough politeness and red tape and bureaucracy to put Heaven to shame. Asmodeus had met him at the gates, oozing civility, and agreed to grant him safe passage to at least see his brother, and as they entered each successive circle there had been new border checks and forms and repeated questions and attempts to get him to disarm. By the time Asmodeus had finally shown him into what seemed like Lucifer's foyer and left, the Messenger's already stretched patience had been hanging by a frayed thread.

He strode up and down, wondering desperately where and how Uriel was while trying to avoid any thoughts about Uriel's Fall itself, or any possible changes in his brother. He had failed Uriel, should have been more vigilant, should have made sure Belial stayed away from him, should have tried harder to intercede with their Father on his behalf, and his face was stony as he imagined everything he could have done to keep Belial away.

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[emberlight]

Lucifer's sense of timing was impeccable and Gabriel would not have been left waiting for long. Long enough to grow agitated - to perhaps goad him into snapping at Uriel - but not long enough that he could ever fault Lucifer's hospitality.

When Uriel did appear, he was literally glowing, Lucifer's words and touch having once again brightened his aura. His nudity did not appear to bother him as he approached his brother with a smile on his face. "Gabriel! I was told you wished to see me?"

He paused when he took in Gabriel's expression, his attire, and did not quite close the distance between them.

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel looked up as he realised Uriel was there, his expression immediately softening as he approached his brother, though he faltered as he took in the changes in Uriel's aura. Knowing Uriel had Fallen was entirely different from seeing that change, seeing dark fire where there should have been glorious golden flame.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying and failing to hide the pain he felt, before taking in the rest of Uriel's appearance.

"Are you... alright? You're not hurt?" he finally asked softly, awkwardly.

[emberlight]

Unable to puzzle out Gabriel's expression, his pain, Uriel gave his brother a quizzical look. "I'm fine. Why would I be hurt?"

Well, okay, other than his enjoyably rough introduction to Lust. He bit the inside of his lip as he shifted, grateful Belial hadn't followed through on his plans to slip a plug in his arse after he had been fucked senseless the night before. There was no reason for Gabriel to know about that.

[cattygabriel]

... well, you've Fallen. Gabriel refrained from pointing out the obvious; he had always assumed that Falling would lead to agony at losing His Presence, at least at first. "I thought - never mind."

He was silent for a moment before finally asking what he truly needed to know. "Uriel, why? Why did you -" Even now, he couldn't quite bring himself to say it out loud, though he couldn't stop his gaze from flicking briefly to Uriel's aura again.

[emberlight]

It HAD hurt and even now Uriel could not deny the emptiness where his Grace had once been, not even with Lucifer's touch to bolster his faith. But it had been so long since the angel had been in His Presence that the memory of it had become a distant thing, and perhaps that had blunted some of the pain. Besides, Belial had done a rather exemplary job of giving the angel something other than his loss to think about. 

"Why did I do what, Gabriel? Why did I choose to Fall?" He took a step back, growing slightly agitated. "Because I questioned Him and He cast me out. No matter how often I prayed, no matter how many questions I asked or how much I begged for forgiveness, He would not answer me or allow me to come home. He did not want me. Belial does. Lucifer does." He spoke fervently, his love for Lucifer as plain as day, as bright as the sun.

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel winced slightly at Uriel's clear love for Lucifer and at the darkening of the other's aura. He remembered only too well how easy it was to love Lucifer, how bright the Lightbringer had been, how he had been able to soothe all Gabriel's frustrations.

But their Father's love was greater, even if Gabriel did not understand why He was apparently ignoring Uriel. He stepped closer, reaching out slightly before dropping his hand, unsure if his touch would be welcomed. "But I want you too, Uriel. You're my brother. Was there nothing I could have done?"

Had it truly been so bad for Uriel that what Belial had offered seemed preferable?

[emberlight]

Uriel sighed, aura dimming as he seemed to draw in on himself. "You are my brother and I love you, but you are not Him. His silence spoke volumes to me."

He moved away again, pacing slowly, thinking of Belial with each careful step he took. Color rose to his cheeks and he found new strength as he began to speak again. "Do you remember what it was like when you had doubts? When you were cast out? What was it? A few days, weeks? Imagine years. Decades. Centuries. Can you imagine that much time without His Presence? Do you have any idea how much it hurt to be away from Heaven for so long?"

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel wrapped his arms around himself at the memory of the horrible emptiness he had felt during his exile.

"How could I forget? Only the hope that He would forgive me kept me going. I can only imagine what enduring centuries of that must have been like. And I remember Lucifer's brightness, but even so, what could he offer that trumped Father's forgiveness?"

[emberlight]

"Tell me, Gabriel. What did I do that requires forgiveness?" Uriel's expression was stony, uncompromising.

[cattygabriel]

"You doubted Him, as I once did," Gabriel said quietly. "And He does not take kindly to that. I do not know why He tested you so, but now you have chosen Lucifer over Him. But He might yet forgive you."

His voice hovered a little uncertainly over his last few words; he had assumed and hoped that even Lucifer could return to them one day if he only wished to, if he asked His forgiveness. But Uriel had longed to return for so long, even before Falling. And he had Fallen because God had seemingly forsaken him; why would He abandon any of His children, whom He loved? Was salvation even possible for the Fallen, as Gabriel had believed for so long?

[emberlight]

"'He does not take kindly to that'?" Uriel repeated, bitterly. "A question, I asked him a question, and I was cast out for it. Is He truly so perfect that He will not even listen to us?"

Belial had listened, had understood his pain. What's more, Belial had shown him His hypocrisy, His flaws. Gabriel wouldn't even listen to what he was trying to say. Uriel clenched his hands into fists in anger, only to feel the key dig into his palm. Remembering Lucifer's warning, he calmed himself. Looking up, he spotted a doorway in the shadows. "I am not having this discussion here," he said, walking toward the door without checking to see if Gabriel was following.

Once again he let himself be distracted by thoughts of Belial. He slowed his pace for a moment, savoring the ache, wishing he was back in the Crown's bed. This was not how he wanted his conversion with Gabriel to go.

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel remembered when he had first been cast out, the disbelief and pain. "Apparently so," he murmured, more to himself than to Uriel.

He followed Uriel, though he cast a wary glance behind himself and extended his senses to the room before following his brother in; the only person he could sense in there was Uriel himself, though he felt so different.

He wasn't quite sure what he had expected from this conversation, other than a vague hope that he could bring Uriel back somehow. Clearly, that wasn't happening.

"Help me understand, Uriel. Why would you choose this?"

[emberlight]

"Why should I choose to wait any longer when I KNOW someone wants me, appreciates me, sees me as something other than a wayward child to be brought back to the flock and squashed under His thumb?" Uriel questioned as he fit the key in the lock.

Pushing the door open, Uriel had to hold back a gasp. Before him was one of the most beautiful libraries he had ever had the fortune of setting foot in. Books lined the walls, ancient maps and illuminated manuscripts sat out on tables, chairs invited one to sit and stay, and banked fireplaces kept the room warm while a healthy dose of magic prevented them from damaging the books in any way.

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel was momentarily distracted by the books in the room, longing to run his fingers down their spines and pore over the maps and manuscripts. But even that could not fully distract him from Uriel's words.

"Squashed under His thumb? How can you even speak of our Father and His love like that? And do you not think Raphael and I saw you as more than a wayward child?" He paused to pull the door shut behind them. "I can understand if you lost faith, I nearly did as well, but even your love for Him?"

[emberlight]

Uriel stepped fully into the room, mantling his wings in discontent before drawing them in tight. When he turned, his expression was unreadable. "What love? Tell me, where was His love? I was cast away, stripped of His Presence. I tried to understand, but never could. I tried to make peace, but no place ever truly felt like home. There were humans that loved me, showed me kindness and care over the years, but their lives are short and each passing left me feeling more alone. They had their place in His arms, but I was denied mine."

He ignored the chairs, choosing instead to pace in front of a fireplace, drawing strength from its warmth. "And for what? For growing tired of bloodshed? For refusing to continue murdering in His name? Does His love only manifest its self at the sharp edge of a blade, wielded by my hand?"

"If that is what passes for love, I want no part of it."

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel winced; he knew what Uriel was describing, remembered how it felt, but his own exile had been brief compared to the pain Uriel had borne for so long.

He had never liked the bloodshed involved in his duties either, but it was God's Will, and after he had performed his duties he could return to Heaven and find absolution in His love. Uriel had been deprived of that. Gabriel's first instinct was to defend His love and try to make Uriel remember it, but he knew now that Uriel would not react well, and he did not want them to come to blows.

"I understand. And I am sorry," he finally said, coming up behind Uriel; he longed to reach out to his brother, but Uriel had been awkward enough about being touched before and Gabriel did not know how he would react now. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if his next words were the right thing to say. "You still have my love."

[emberlight]

Uriel wanted to keep arguing, to ask Gabriel how he could possibly say he understood and was sorry, yet still believe in His love, but he reigned in his temper and bit back any further scathing replies. It would not do to drive Gabriel away, and no doubt Lucifer would not be pleased with him if he made a bad impression. Instead, he sighed, eyes closing for a moment. "Thank you for that."

[cattygabriel]

Ever since his exile, Gabriel had had centuries to practice schooling his thoughts, refusing to let himself even think of doubting God or His Plan for fear of a repeat or worse. He might have been the Strength of God, but he did not think he was strong enough to go through that crushing pain and loss all over again, to once again cling desperately to the faint faith and hope that he would return one day. He truly loved his Father, but there was fear too which he would not allow himself to dwell on.

Gabriel had to believe in His love. He would allow himself no other choice.

Stepping a little closer, Gabriel finally reached out and placed his hand on Uriel's shoulder, suppressing a wince at the sensation of his brother's aura. "I wanted to always be there for you, and I may have failed but that sentiment has not changed. Should you ever desire my company or need someone to talk to, Uriel, I will come."

[emberlight]

Uriel flinched visibly at Gabriel's touch, the sensation of his brother's Grace now like salt rubbed in a raw wound rather than the warm comfort it once was. The touch as well as Gabriel's words only furthered his growing resentment. Why was it that they were always the ones to pay the consequences of their Father's decisions, why were they the ones forced to endure loneliness, sadness and guilt?

"You are not the one who failed me. You are my brother and I will always welcome you."

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel pulled his hand back instantly, with an internal wince at having caused his brother even more pain.

Why would their Father do this to Uriel? What in the Plan could necessitate - no, he could not question that.

"Thank you. I still feel as though I should have done more, somehow."

[emberlight]

Uriel tilted his head and considered his brother curiously. "Why? What more should you have done. I am happy, Gabriel. I am free. I do not doubt, I do not ache¹." He shifted and his eyes brightened as he remembered the way Lucifer had looked at him. "I feel love again."


¹ Well, other than the ache in his arse that kept Belial always on his mind.

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel closed his eyes briefly, remembering the warmth of Lucifer's affection. He could almost see why Uriel would turn to that when deprived of God's love, even if he could not agree. "I am glad you are happy, then."

He couldn't agree with Uriel's idea of freedom, though. Then again, even Gabriel could admit that he was not exactly free either, even if he would not choose freedom - least of all Uriel's freedom.

[emberlight]

Mistaking Gabriel's expression, Uriel grew slightly defensive again. "Do not be disappointed with me, Gabriel. I have not known peace for so long and this is..." he trailed off, looking for words. "I feel wanted again. You do not know how much that means to me."

[cattygabriel]

"I am not," Gabriel hastened to say. "I am truly glad that you are happy and at peace, Uriel. I cannot say I agree wholly with your choices and I cannot fully understand them, but I will accept them."

[emberlight]

"It hurt Gabriel. You above all should know how much it hurts to be exiled. He never said anything, never let me explain myself, never replied to my questions. How could I possibly accept more war and bloodshed in His name when He wouldn't even speak with me? I-"

Sensing a sudden change in the room, his anguished speech came to an abrupt halt.